I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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