this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
