I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
