i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
