Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
