Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
