My sheets look like a crime scene.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
