i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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