Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
