I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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