There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
