I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
