So drunk its hurt
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
