After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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