Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
