No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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