why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
