but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
