its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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