My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Randomize
