Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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