I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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