I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
