I am midnight drunk by noon
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
