There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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