I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
