he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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