remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
