Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dignity is for republicans.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
