I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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