So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
