Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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