Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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