i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
