When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
