If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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