walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
