Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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