This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
