ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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