hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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