So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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