everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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