he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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