You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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