I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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