I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
