No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the liver wants what the liver wants
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
