I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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