Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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