I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
