I saw his package. It spoke to me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
