i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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