nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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